Saturday, 19 September 2009

Late night rambles

After the shocker of a bad few days last week, I finally gathered from my lungs it is infact infection. I was happy about this, why? Well because infection is something that can get better and go away, it isn't just my lungs deteriorating, it is infection that is 'fixable'. I'm on lovely big doses of antibiotics at the moment and coughing green gunk with every bit of energy I have but I am getting there. And I managed to fit in an awesome few days away on a spa break last week. It was at times hard work, ok so sitting around in a spa for a few days may not seem like it but I do have less than 15% lung function now, just the sight of a flight of stairs makes my toes curl up. But it was so worth it. It gave me much needed head space to get things into prospective. I looked out over the balcony in the spa and just felt relief, I felt lucky, I felt lucky to be me, to be where I am and to lucky I'm still here.
It amazes me in the face of so much adversity, facing so much uncertainty only then do we really appreciate who are, what we have and in my case what I'm still able to do. And it was then I thought 'if I don't make this transplant list then I was never meant to and I can accept that now'. 12 months ago I didn't even come close to accepting that.
Fact is I've learned to love my life, it may not be perfect but it is my life and it is the best I can make it. Being offered a chance at transplant would be amazing but I think I can accept it now if I don't get the opportunity to go on the list.
Tonight my thoughts turn to Jessica Wales. She's been waiting for new lungs for 4yrs, 4yrs too long.
The machine currently keeping Jessica alive...
The prospect of losing Jessica because she can't hold on any longer for a donor horrifies me, the fact she's held on for 4yrs already horrifies me even more and to think her wait could now well be in vain is just horrible. The fact that I could also be potentially facing this myself, well I think I would need tips on how to cope because I don't know how I would, my mind is yet to even get that far ahead. Nobody deserves to wait that long for an organ donor, someone to give their organs after their death when they're no longer alive and no longer need them. Not difficult really is it? The really sad thing? Jessica is one of many desperate for a transplant tonight, why would you not want some good to come out of the bad? Why would you not want to give someone (or more than one person in many cases) the chance to live after you've died? Would you not want someone to do the same for you? Nobody likes talking about dying but I believe facing upto our fears makes us more human. Think about it, talk about it, do something about it.

1 comment:

Kate said...

Wow, I have no idea what to say Rach but I think its a lovely blog entry. The sense of peace you have with yourself and your situation is something to be treasured and I am so glad you feel that you are able to accept whatever happens.
I do so hope that tues goes well and that you and Jessica both get transplants, but if you don't although I may think its unjust, I think its wonderful that you are at peace with your life

 
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